Growth

I was thinking about 2008 today. I was kind of thinking about what I had accomplished in the year and just general thoughts of how the year went. Obviously for me this past year was overshadowed by loss. Either the expectation of it or the reality of it. It colored nearly everything I did and every decision I made. As I also think about the year it is incredibly clear how fortunate I am to have been able to lean on my friends during this time. The loss of my father felt truly unbearable, but I knew I had to bear it and my friends helped. I had to keep going. I still have two kids, a husband, a household etc. at some point I had to move forward. The last 4 months have seemed like a blur. I found myself on vacation and at parties and sometimes it felt as if I had "woken up" there. I was very disconnected. It was often at the urging of my husband or my friends that I attended an event. I attended my dear friend's wedding, vacation in Moab, mountain bike days. I felt as though I would not be able to connect at any of these things. An interesting thing happened. The love and support I felt brought me more to the surface. In November I was talked in to doing a marathon on February 1st. Committing to anything seemed overwhelming, but I did. Running has always brought me peace and focus. I knew that even though I didn't want to that I should drag myself out. Just as my friends had dragged me out at other times. I am finding that running is a reliable friend. But more important than that I am finding that without my husband and friends I don't know how I would have made it through the last few months. I am eternally grateful to anyone who ran, biked, convinced, cajoled, listend or in some other form helped me to heal.

The pain hasn't gone away, but my ability to cope has improved. In the past year I have had the opportunity to grow and learn. I have experienced great loss, but through it I have also become a better, more aware person. I value my relationships more than ever and I value who I have become during the process.

Hit number 2

My aunt passed away this morning.

My Dad's youngest sister had battled stroke, seizures, hepatitis and alcoholism. She passed away about 1am from liver failure. I am not sure how much pain I am supposed to endure this year, but I can tell you I am about full up right now.

On my Dad's side of the family I have lost my grandparents, my father and now my aunt. I have an aunt and uncle left. I am fortunately very close to the aunt I have left. I have this image of an old tattered flag flapping in the wind. I feel like my family is that flag. As time passes we are losing more and more ourself. Each part is valuable and contributes to the whole. The last two months we have weathered a severe wind storm and what is left is tattered and just hanging on.

I was starting to feel better, but I feel somewhat set back by this news. I am not handling it very well. In all honesty this aunt and I had been close when I was younger, but in the last 10 years or so I had seen very little of her. I think I am just struggling with the general sense of loss. My heart aches too for my surviving aunt. She was with us in the house when my father passed and she was with my aunt last night when she passed. I think my sorrow right now pales in comparison to what my aunt must be feeling.

I don't have much to add. I am sure there will be a service and such.

Until next time...

2 months

Today is 2 months since my Dad passed.

In 2 months I have:
-worked until I was so exhausted I couldn't make the memorial service
-spent a weekend in Tahoe at one of my closest friends wedding (1 week after my Dad's passing)
-had my father buried at the National Cemetery in Dixon
-started mountain biking again
-spent a week in Moab with 7 of my closest friends
-gained 5 lbs
-started running again
-had my aunt (my father's youngest sister) put on hospice
-started taking more time off for field trips with the kids
-had an estate sale and sold or donated 65% of my fathers and grandparents household furnishings
-had too much to drink on occasion
-visited the gravesite with Dylan and Mike
-taken a day off just to cope and catch up
-had my first dream with my father in it - talking to me and asking for help with something
-enjoyed myself at a party
-sat for countless hours in the backyard - just thinking
-missed him desperately
-learned that there is no timeframe for healing
-gotten much closer to my Aunt
-learned that grief and healing can also be a gift that will change me for the better
-spoken to a friend that I have been out of touch with for too long
-learned that whether I am checked in or checked out that life is going on around me. My kids are still going to school, our bikeshop is still needing attention, my house still needs to be cleaned, my body still needs exercise.

It is time for me to stop excusing unhealthy behaviors under the guise of grief. Yes, there is certainly a time when it was all I did to get through a day, but now I am getting through the day. I can focus on my kids, husband, house, job, self or just the task at hand. My days have moved from "okay" to "good".

I am still stalling on some of the "business" items that I need to complete in order to settle my Dad's affairs. I am getting closer though...

Anyway, for those who are reading, who care - I am doing good. Good is better than okay.

It's 9:30 - how are you today?

I used to call my Dad everyday - usually twice a day, sometimes even 3 times. I would call him nearly every morning around 9:30 to check to see how his night was and how is morning was going to so far. I would double check to see if he had taken his methadone and any other meds that he needed at the time. I would also check on whatever else was going on...pain levels, new pain, how much he was able to eat... One morning, probably just about 6 weeks ago or so he teased me and asked me if I had a list that I used each day when I called. Woke up (check), took medication (check), checked on arm pain (check), discussed food and water (check) and so on. This became a running joke for us up through the end. I would then tease him that he better just tell me what was going on or I would whip out my list. I think the image made him smile. I would also call him in the evening o the drive home from work. I just wanted him to know I was thinking about him. I often imagined him in his big house alone with his faithful pup Kelly. It broke my heart to think of him by himself all the time. I just wanted him to know that he was in my thoughts all the time and hoped somehow this brought him comfort. Maybe it just brought me comfort...maybe both. So now I find the hour between 9 and 10 is often a rough one for me.

Moving forward

I typed out a whole blog entry on Sunday on my phone and wouldn't you know it -I lost it. So it goes.

It has been an interesting week. I am finding that I am moving forward a bit, but there are still some areas that are so difficult. I have been surprised to find how all-consuming this process has been. I guess that might be the naivete of someone who had not yet experienced a loss as signficant as this. I have been struggling lately with some new feelings. I have this strange fear. I am afraid I am going to forget things about my Dad. I know that seems silly, but for reason I am just afraid that I won't remeber things as they were or I will start forgetting little details. I feel like I am the keeper of his memory and if I forget then he really will be gone. Logically I know this isn't true. My mom, aunt, uncle other family members and other people who knew him help to keep him memory alive, I'm not sure why I am feeling this way now. It is probably pointless to try to apply logic to feelings to explain them at a time like this.

This past weekend was...different. It was the first weekend I have been home since some time in August. My kids didn't know what to do with me home. I didn't know what to do with me home. I took my aunt to the airport on Saturday morning and I got a good mountain bike ride in on Sunday morning, but generally I felt like I just wandered around the house a lot. I seemed to be...restless I guess. I just felt uneasy and quite a bit detached. I suppose this is all just part of the process. I am finding my way back to my regular life, although I don't think it will ever truly be the same.

Too much

I haven't been able to write for a while. I have thought about it a few times, but then it didn't feel right. It was too soon, my emotions were too raw, I was too exhausted whatever the reason I just didn't do it. I don't offer this as an excuse. I do not feel an obligation to write. I am only commenting on it because it is where my mind has been during the past two weeks.

Two weeks. It hardly seems like a day has passed. I feel like I have been walking around in a fog. I keep lists of what I need to do because I can hardly keep track of whether I have eaten breakfast each morning (in most cases I haven't) much less what I need to do after work. An example, I just went to Starbucks to get a coffee and some coffee beans for home. I had to remember two things. Let's just say my success rate on this trip was 50%. Not so good.

The new emotion that is starting to grip me is fear. I am becoming afraid that I will forget. I might forget memories of my Dad, things we did together, what we talked about, his favorite flower. I haven't checked out the "stages of grief" so I don't know where this one falls in the clinical diagnosis. The rational side of me knows I won't forget, but that doesn't really seem to help. Mostly though I am just sad. Truly sad and at a depth I didn't know I had. I thought somehow the past 4 years of my Dad being sick prepared me to accept his passing. I was wrong. It stings just the same.

I think that is all I feel like writing. I can't get the jumbled thoughts in my head to line up enough to make sense and type it out.

September 12th

My Dad passed away on September 12.

I was planning to go to my Dad's Friday afternoon. Hospice called at 12:30 on Thursday and said they thought I should come right away. I took a 2:30 flight. When I got to his house on Thursday I was surprised at the state he was in. I had just left on Monday and at that time he was still interacting, drinking water, drinking ginger ale, he even danced a bit to some of his favorite music - okay moved his shoulders to the beat while laying in bed. When I got there Thursday around 5:30 he was no longer responsive and struggling to breathe. His body was shutting down fast. I sat with him and talked to him, held his hand, gave him pain madication and basically just tried to make sure he was comfortable. I went to bed around 11. I checked on him and stayed with him from 3-3:30. I checked on him again at 5 and he was gone. I know he knew he was not alone in his house. I don't think he wanted to pass in front of me. When I went to bed at 3:30 I told him I loved him and that I was going to rest. I told him that he should rest too. I am glad he isn't struggling anymore, but my heart aches I miss him so much already.

I can't really type anymore. I don't really think I want to think about it anymore right now.