Hit number 2

My aunt passed away this morning.

My Dad's youngest sister had battled stroke, seizures, hepatitis and alcoholism. She passed away about 1am from liver failure. I am not sure how much pain I am supposed to endure this year, but I can tell you I am about full up right now.

On my Dad's side of the family I have lost my grandparents, my father and now my aunt. I have an aunt and uncle left. I am fortunately very close to the aunt I have left. I have this image of an old tattered flag flapping in the wind. I feel like my family is that flag. As time passes we are losing more and more ourself. Each part is valuable and contributes to the whole. The last two months we have weathered a severe wind storm and what is left is tattered and just hanging on.

I was starting to feel better, but I feel somewhat set back by this news. I am not handling it very well. In all honesty this aunt and I had been close when I was younger, but in the last 10 years or so I had seen very little of her. I think I am just struggling with the general sense of loss. My heart aches too for my surviving aunt. She was with us in the house when my father passed and she was with my aunt last night when she passed. I think my sorrow right now pales in comparison to what my aunt must be feeling.

I don't have much to add. I am sure there will be a service and such.

Until next time...

2 months

Today is 2 months since my Dad passed.

In 2 months I have:
-worked until I was so exhausted I couldn't make the memorial service
-spent a weekend in Tahoe at one of my closest friends wedding (1 week after my Dad's passing)
-had my father buried at the National Cemetery in Dixon
-started mountain biking again
-spent a week in Moab with 7 of my closest friends
-gained 5 lbs
-started running again
-had my aunt (my father's youngest sister) put on hospice
-started taking more time off for field trips with the kids
-had an estate sale and sold or donated 65% of my fathers and grandparents household furnishings
-had too much to drink on occasion
-visited the gravesite with Dylan and Mike
-taken a day off just to cope and catch up
-had my first dream with my father in it - talking to me and asking for help with something
-enjoyed myself at a party
-sat for countless hours in the backyard - just thinking
-missed him desperately
-learned that there is no timeframe for healing
-gotten much closer to my Aunt
-learned that grief and healing can also be a gift that will change me for the better
-spoken to a friend that I have been out of touch with for too long
-learned that whether I am checked in or checked out that life is going on around me. My kids are still going to school, our bikeshop is still needing attention, my house still needs to be cleaned, my body still needs exercise.

It is time for me to stop excusing unhealthy behaviors under the guise of grief. Yes, there is certainly a time when it was all I did to get through a day, but now I am getting through the day. I can focus on my kids, husband, house, job, self or just the task at hand. My days have moved from "okay" to "good".

I am still stalling on some of the "business" items that I need to complete in order to settle my Dad's affairs. I am getting closer though...

Anyway, for those who are reading, who care - I am doing good. Good is better than okay.