Fathers Day

oooh weee. It's been a while hasn't it? Just when I think I'm moving forward...ka-blowey.
This has been a tough week. I was anxious leading up to Father's day. I guess I expected "It's Fathers Day" that sucks and all the associated sucking things that go along with the first fathers day without a father. So, I did not expect that I would be busy on Fathers Day. I did not seem to have the requisite melancholy time to mourn what could have been. It kind of caught me off gaurd. I had planned to go to the cemeteray, but the day just seemed to get away from me. Then I felt like total crap for not going out there. Tonight it seemed to hit me. There is no card that says "I suck, I didn't go to the cemetary..." there is no making up for missing whatever milestone or important event you may have missed. You just miss it, that is it. No do-overs, no make-ups. You don't get to somewhat absolve yourself of being a shithead for missing an important date by later trying to make it up. There is no one there later to make it up to. You either make the original time important because it is...or you are a shithead. Harsh? Maybe, but it's true. When someone is gone the actions you have in the aftermath are your own...the other person no longer has any expectations. In my opinion your actions at this time are truly the ones of your heart. You are there....or aren't there by your own volition.

I miss my Dad now. I was too busy to really feel this on Sunday. That kind of sucks, but the "busyness" was enjoying the kids that day. He would have enjoyed that too.

Love you Daddy

Erin

6 months

Well, life keeps moving on, doesn't it? March 12th marked the 6 month anniversary of my father's passing. We have rented out my father's house. It is difficult to picture someone else living there, but I think it would be even more difficult to sell it and feel like it to is gone. I know a house isn't a person, but it just seems like in the last 6 months so much "life liquidation" has gone on...

It feels odd to do a race, go to a kids play or just have a good day and not call him and tell him about it. I am beginning to think that the feeling doesn't go away. The feeling of not being able to share an experience with him becomes part of the experience now. I did my first marathon in February without being able to call him. Ironically the marathon was in Huntington Beach, Surf City USA. My Dad grew up surfing in So Cal and Hawaii, the medals from the race even had little surfboards on them, talk about symbolic. This weekend I'll go to my first 8 hour race of the season without him. After the race I won' be able to call him and give him the race report...I guess I'll have to believe that he has a front row seat. I wonder if all my accomplishments will be somewhat bittersweet?

On a different note - I have a CT scan tonight. I had some weird episode again. Actually very similar to the dry heave/abdominal pain that I had the day of my Dad's funeral. Nothing was found in the ER. An ultrasound for gall stones revealed a mass on my liver - no gall stones though. Docs don't seem to worried, but a CT scan will rule out anything serious. I'm sure it is nothing as well. The only long term effect has been a very strange loss of appetite. My doc said I could wait 6 months and see if the mass is stable or do the CT scan now. That would be a long six months! I'm sure it will all be fine and my appetite will come back soon.

Growth

I was thinking about 2008 today. I was kind of thinking about what I had accomplished in the year and just general thoughts of how the year went. Obviously for me this past year was overshadowed by loss. Either the expectation of it or the reality of it. It colored nearly everything I did and every decision I made. As I also think about the year it is incredibly clear how fortunate I am to have been able to lean on my friends during this time. The loss of my father felt truly unbearable, but I knew I had to bear it and my friends helped. I had to keep going. I still have two kids, a husband, a household etc. at some point I had to move forward. The last 4 months have seemed like a blur. I found myself on vacation and at parties and sometimes it felt as if I had "woken up" there. I was very disconnected. It was often at the urging of my husband or my friends that I attended an event. I attended my dear friend's wedding, vacation in Moab, mountain bike days. I felt as though I would not be able to connect at any of these things. An interesting thing happened. The love and support I felt brought me more to the surface. In November I was talked in to doing a marathon on February 1st. Committing to anything seemed overwhelming, but I did. Running has always brought me peace and focus. I knew that even though I didn't want to that I should drag myself out. Just as my friends had dragged me out at other times. I am finding that running is a reliable friend. But more important than that I am finding that without my husband and friends I don't know how I would have made it through the last few months. I am eternally grateful to anyone who ran, biked, convinced, cajoled, listend or in some other form helped me to heal.

The pain hasn't gone away, but my ability to cope has improved. In the past year I have had the opportunity to grow and learn. I have experienced great loss, but through it I have also become a better, more aware person. I value my relationships more than ever and I value who I have become during the process.