Fathers Day

oooh weee. It's been a while hasn't it? Just when I think I'm moving forward...ka-blowey.
This has been a tough week. I was anxious leading up to Father's day. I guess I expected "It's Fathers Day" that sucks and all the associated sucking things that go along with the first fathers day without a father. So, I did not expect that I would be busy on Fathers Day. I did not seem to have the requisite melancholy time to mourn what could have been. It kind of caught me off gaurd. I had planned to go to the cemeteray, but the day just seemed to get away from me. Then I felt like total crap for not going out there. Tonight it seemed to hit me. There is no card that says "I suck, I didn't go to the cemetary..." there is no making up for missing whatever milestone or important event you may have missed. You just miss it, that is it. No do-overs, no make-ups. You don't get to somewhat absolve yourself of being a shithead for missing an important date by later trying to make it up. There is no one there later to make it up to. You either make the original time important because it is...or you are a shithead. Harsh? Maybe, but it's true. When someone is gone the actions you have in the aftermath are your own...the other person no longer has any expectations. In my opinion your actions at this time are truly the ones of your heart. You are there....or aren't there by your own volition.

I miss my Dad now. I was too busy to really feel this on Sunday. That kind of sucks, but the "busyness" was enjoying the kids that day. He would have enjoyed that too.

Love you Daddy

Erin