"You only grow as a human being if you're outside your comfort zone." --Percy Cerutty
Well...I must be pretty giant right about now. So here goes the obligatory "why blog?" explanation. I need to sort out a few things and just think out loud a bit. I have tried blogging before, but like many other pursuits, what started as an ambitious endeavor to share my thoughts soon became another thing on my to do list. This time I will blog as a way to help myself cope with whatever life is serving me on it's big ol' silver fancy platter. Today's special - stress, fear and extreme sadness. MMMM....sounds appetizing doesn't it.
So a bit of background. I returned late last night from my Dad's house in Southern California - took the last flight home. I will be home a for a few days and then I will head back to his house for a long weekend. My Dad was diagnosed with stage iv colon cancer on August 27th, 2004. The prognosis was not very good. If you'd have asked his doctor how much time he had he would of said "maybe 6 months to a year". Apparently they forgot to factor in that my dad is a scrappy Irish fighter and wouldn't be going out without a fight. Here we are just over 4 years later and it appears he is coming to end. I have a lot of thoughts and issues surrounding where we are now. I don't think I will address them all in my first post...I don't have that kind of time, but it is my goal to address them each time I write. So let's see, in no particular order - cancer, pain, food, hospice, guilt (actually this may take 2 or 3 posts), traveling, coping, sharing, just being there...and whatever else pops in to my brain.
and away we go...
Over the past year I have spent at least one weekend a month at my Dad's house helping, visiting, just being there. He has had cancer for 4 years, but the last year has been the hardest. Initially I tried to get him to move closer to me...he would consider it, but in the end the thought of moving was overwhelming. He truly wants to be in his own home and in familiar surroundings. I explained to him that I could not leave everything in my life on a long term basis to be there at his house constantly. I told him what I was capable of doing and that I would visit as often as I could. In the meantime I call him everyday...just to make sure he answers the phone and is okay. Now that we are nearing the end and he is requiring 24 hour care the reality of choosing to live alone is appearing to be quite different than the image he had when he made the decision last fall. It is a relief that he will no longer be alone, but the reality is that he can no longer care for himself. It feels odd to be waiting to go down to see him again until he is worse. What is that about? Why do we wait until the end to be with a loved one? No one should die alone, but it is a shame that we don't always see the value in being together just to be together. It seems like this whole process is a waiting game. He is waiting to pass on, I am waiting until he is sicker to go down and stay...waiting waiting waiting for something to happen. Waiting is difficult. I have to find something to keep me busy. I have tried sitting and staring at him, but neither of us found that to be all that interesting or comfortable. So I do other things to keep me busy...busy and not focusing 100% on the fact that we are waiting.
1 comment:
Hi E my dear friend.
I just read your blog today - only in my Envision office on Tuesdays. The link showed in my e-mail and I've been thinking about you so very much lately that I had to read it before I did anything else. I can honestly say I've been there before - but with grandparents, not parents so it still is entirely different. When I was 8 my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Not much you can do still with this type and the typical is no longer than 6 months to live. He lived for 2 years and I watched him as a child (we were all very, very close) go from a jolly man to a "child" needing constant care. He stayed very strong willed and I think that is what kept him going for 2 solid years. We moved from a very tiny town in Oklahoma (at the time pop 500 or so) to the "big city" Tulsa (don't laugh) so we could live 3 houses down and care for him. My grandma had a really hard time seeing him that way and wanted to remember her husband the way he was, so she would have to have breaks for a bit. At first the family was dumbfounded by this - how could you not be with your spouse 24/7 but after everything was over, the understanding was there...and it was there by him the entire time. Being there with your dad as much as you have been able while balancing work, kids, and the shop is an incredible feat, that could not be accomplished by many. You are an incredible person and a dear dear friend. Your dad I know is incredibly proud of what you have accomplished and what you are doing to be with him I'm sure he finds undescribable. I have too many other stories to tell but this is not meant to be about me, but to share that we all have trials to go through and the very lucky part of life is that we have crossed paths and have become wonderful friends - and can be there for each other in times of need. I am truly blessed to be a part of your life Erin and Dave, Cayla, Hope and I love you dearly. We are always here day or nite (yes even at 2am if you need - my cell phone is on the night stand).
All my love...."Y"
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