Moving forward

I typed out a whole blog entry on Sunday on my phone and wouldn't you know it -I lost it. So it goes.

It has been an interesting week. I am finding that I am moving forward a bit, but there are still some areas that are so difficult. I have been surprised to find how all-consuming this process has been. I guess that might be the naivete of someone who had not yet experienced a loss as signficant as this. I have been struggling lately with some new feelings. I have this strange fear. I am afraid I am going to forget things about my Dad. I know that seems silly, but for reason I am just afraid that I won't remeber things as they were or I will start forgetting little details. I feel like I am the keeper of his memory and if I forget then he really will be gone. Logically I know this isn't true. My mom, aunt, uncle other family members and other people who knew him help to keep him memory alive, I'm not sure why I am feeling this way now. It is probably pointless to try to apply logic to feelings to explain them at a time like this.

This past weekend was...different. It was the first weekend I have been home since some time in August. My kids didn't know what to do with me home. I didn't know what to do with me home. I took my aunt to the airport on Saturday morning and I got a good mountain bike ride in on Sunday morning, but generally I felt like I just wandered around the house a lot. I seemed to be...restless I guess. I just felt uneasy and quite a bit detached. I suppose this is all just part of the process. I am finding my way back to my regular life, although I don't think it will ever truly be the same.