Too much

I haven't been able to write for a while. I have thought about it a few times, but then it didn't feel right. It was too soon, my emotions were too raw, I was too exhausted whatever the reason I just didn't do it. I don't offer this as an excuse. I do not feel an obligation to write. I am only commenting on it because it is where my mind has been during the past two weeks.

Two weeks. It hardly seems like a day has passed. I feel like I have been walking around in a fog. I keep lists of what I need to do because I can hardly keep track of whether I have eaten breakfast each morning (in most cases I haven't) much less what I need to do after work. An example, I just went to Starbucks to get a coffee and some coffee beans for home. I had to remember two things. Let's just say my success rate on this trip was 50%. Not so good.

The new emotion that is starting to grip me is fear. I am becoming afraid that I will forget. I might forget memories of my Dad, things we did together, what we talked about, his favorite flower. I haven't checked out the "stages of grief" so I don't know where this one falls in the clinical diagnosis. The rational side of me knows I won't forget, but that doesn't really seem to help. Mostly though I am just sad. Truly sad and at a depth I didn't know I had. I thought somehow the past 4 years of my Dad being sick prepared me to accept his passing. I was wrong. It stings just the same.

I think that is all I feel like writing. I can't get the jumbled thoughts in my head to line up enough to make sense and type it out.