The full time health care assistance started today. I guess this truly is the beginning of the "transition" period. Hospice gives us books to read. They are like "What to Expect When Your Expecting" except they are"What to Expect when You or Your loved one is Dying" - okay, not really title that, but basically the same thing. So just as I did when I was pregnant I have read and re-read the book. I look for the signs and symptons they mention and hope I don't find them. I try to figure out if we have days, weeks or even months left. I know it is futile and yet I keep doing it. He could have all of the signs or none of the signs. He could make it one more hour or we could celebrate Christmas again this year. The ambiguity of the situation drives me to constantly be looking for some kind of answer. In the end though I know that nobody really knows anything. How dumb - I chase around looking for answers that I know aren't there. When there is nothing left to do I guess my mind has to create something. I have no idea how many hours I have spent on the internet trying to figure it all out. It goes against everything I know to think that NO ONE has the answers...seems like someone must.
I do feel better having someone there with him 24 hrs. a day. He is now safer from both inside and outside threats. I will be back with him tomorrow. Apparently he gets very confused and disoriented at night and starts wandering around. I need to prepare myself for this. I will need to help him relax and be calm.
It is difficult when I call that I am unable to speak with him. When he has folks there to care for him he doesn't answer the phone. All I am able to do is to check on him, but there is not really any chatting. I miss this, but he is safer. I guess that is kind of a theme. He has to continually compromise as we move further and further down this road. We may not like the direction and we certainly don't like the outcome we will have, but there is no getting off this road. We just have to come to terms with the different twists and turns and try to manage them in the way that is the least upsetting. That is to say the choices we make now are ones in which neither answer is particularly positive - we decide based on the answer that is the least offensive to our sensibilities.
Until next time...
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Erin, there are no real answers written in a book because if there were, that book would be so thick with everyone's personally customized answer, each day you live through this tough time (and there will be others), more answers start to unfold, your personal answers. My dearest friend, it hurts me so hear all the pain that you are enduring through this, so the best I can do is be there for you if you need to talk endlessly. Also, most of my prayers are directed for you, that you can find peace thourgh all of this and are able to show your dad that you are strong and because he was such a wonderful father that you will be fine. I am sure that he is so proud of you and the wonderful grand children you have blessed him with while he is still here on this earth.
I love you my friend, and find peace while you go through this difficult time.
Pam
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